Save the date etiquette

What does sending one commit you to?

An invitation. Once someone has your save the date, they'll reasonably expect to be asked to the wedding, so leave off anyone you're unsure about until the list is settled. Taking one back is far harder than sending one a few weeks later.

It asks nothing of the guest. They note the date and wait for the invitation, which is where the times, the address and the request to reply belong. Some will message to say they're delighted, or that they can't make it. That's kind of them, and nobody should count on it.

It doesn't stand in for the invitation either. Everyone who gets a save the date still gets an invitation later, and save the date or invitation sets out what goes on each.

Who should get one?

Everyone you're sure to invite, including any plus-ones you've already decided on, and nobody you're still unsure about. Most questions are about the edges of the guest list, starting with whether a save the date means you have to invite someone and who goes on the list at all. Then come plus-ones, children, addressing one to a whole family, parents, the wedding party, colleagues, evening guests and people you already know can't come.

How should it be sent, and who is it from?

Send it the way each guest will actually see it, in the names of whoever is hosting. The questions here are whether a text, an email or a WhatsApp message will do, whether a digital save the date is rude to the relatives who'd rather have a card, whose names it goes out in and whether to put your wedding website on it. What to write on the card is in save the date wording, and how to get a link to everyone is in sending a save the date.

Do guests reply to a save the date?

They don't need to, and nobody should be chased for an answer. The questions here are whether it's polite to reply anyway and what to make of the guests who don't. Neither changes the rule. A save the date gives notice, and the replies you need come with the invitation.

When should it go, and what if the date moves?

Send it once the date is fixed and the guest list settled, and if the date moves, tell everyone who had one before anything else goes out. These questions are about the order of things: sending before the venue is booked, how soon after the engagement, whether an engagement party changes anything, and what to tell guests when the date changes. The months to aim for, and how long paper takes to order, are on when to send save the dates.

Does a small wedding or one abroad change things?

The rules stay the same, though a wedding abroad, or guests who live overseas, need more notice so people can book travel and time off. A small wedding and a register office wedding bend the usual advice a little too, and both are among the questions below. If you're still deciding whether to send any at all, start with do you need save the dates.

Questions answered so far

• Can you send save the dates by text, email or WhatsApp?